The Only Way To Save Your 2021 Is By Watching “Celebrity Ghost Stories”
If you’ve spent any amount of time studying biology — by which I mean, if you’ve spent any amount of time getting stoned and watching Blue Planet — you know that nature is all about interdependencies. Our world runs on complex symbiotic relationships: one species gives something, another species takes something else, and the earth continues to spin in its delicate balance until Elon Musk decides he’s gonna nuke the core in order to win a bet with Jeff Bezos.
But in this past year, one of those crucial interdependencies has been knocked off its axis, and prominent researchers are not confident that we can ever bring it back to the levels necessary to keep our ecosystem functioning. I speak, of course, of the relationship between celebrities and human beings.
In the best of times, the relationship between humans and celebrities is simple. They run around fighting Thanos, dating Ben Affleck, or engaging in other such whimsical activities, so that we may have something to discuss with other humans at unbearable work luncheons. We, in return, give them enough money so that they can carry on entertaining us, appearing in movies, sleeping with men with hilarious back tattoos, going on adorable little shopping trips where they buy a thousand dollar purse to try to quiet the screaming inside, etc etc.
