The Only Way To Save Your 2021 Is By Watching “Celebrity Ghost Stories”
If you’ve spent any amount of time studying biology — by which I mean, if you’ve spent any amount of time getting stoned and watching Blue Planet — you know that nature is all about interdependencies. Our world runs on complex symbiotic relationships: one species gives something, another species takes something else, and the earth continues to spin in its delicate balance until Elon Musk decides he’s gonna nuke the core in order to win a bet with Jeff Bezos.
But in this past year, one of those crucial interdependencies has been knocked off its axis, and prominent researchers are not confident that we can ever bring it back to the levels necessary to keep our ecosystem functioning. I speak, of course, of the relationship between celebrities and human beings.
In the best of times, the relationship between humans and celebrities is simple. They run around fighting Thanos, dating Ben Affleck, or engaging in other such whimsical activities, so that we may have something to discuss with other humans at unbearable work luncheons. We, in return, give them enough money so that they can carry on entertaining us, appearing in movies, sleeping with men with hilarious back tattoos, going on adorable little shopping trips where they buy a thousand dollar purse to try to quiet the screaming inside, etc etc.
COVID has disturbed this balance. Though there are no longer any work lunches — indeed, for many of us, there is no longer any work — celebrities are still cavorting as if nothing has changed. They’re still going on vacations! Lots and lots of vacations! They’re having weddings! They’re unfazed by hologram renderings of their deceased parents! They’re trying to make COVID go away by singing to it, as if it were simply a fussy baby who needs to relax enough to pass a bowel movement! And they have all 100% been vaccinated for months (look inside your heart and you’ll see that this is true).
There is, unfortunately, no way to get this balance back to the way it was before. This is like the ozone — we can’t restore it, we can only do damage control.
But that doesn’t mean that hope is entirely lost. I do have one idea for how we can repair the fragile-yet-crucial bond we share with these gentle giants. We can all start…
